There is nothing useful on this web site.
Even though the internet is the source of all truth, the only truth here is that everything else is a lie.
We can forgive a man for making a useful thing as long as he does not admire it. The only excuse for making a useless thing is that one admires it intensely.
All art is quite useless.- Oscar Wilde
Good day loyal members of the Harper Government™. These are the best of times and the worst of times. We now face an unnecessary election that threatens to destabilize the economy and cost Canadians thousands of jobs. But we are ready!
I must congratulate all of you for managing the message so well over the last few months, with particular praise to those who stood so proudly for us in the House of Commons during Question Period.
I can't begin to tell you all how pleased I am at how we have managed to redefine the words courageous, integrity, democracy and accountability. I predicted some years ago that Canadians would not recognize Canada when I'm were done with it. But we are NOT done. This is just the beginning.
As you all know, I am very careful about who I select as my trusted advisors. Bruce Carson Matt Foley was one of my favorites, mainly for his work in curbing hookers marijuana addiction.
We have created tougher laws and made prison terms longer. We are building more prisons for those bastards who even dare to grow a single marijauna plant. This creates jobs and helps the economy. But this is not enough.
Matt Foley showed us that tough love works. This approach can also work in the House of Commons, and throughout the Harper Government™.
To this end I have enlisted help from some of the best actors, political commentators and motivational speakers available - to help coach us in the art of delivery.
Those important talking points, those vacuous phrases that need to be repeated every day and everywhere, have much more impact with a little tone and timing.
Listen to these sample soundclips for clues on how a real professional can make a simple expression leave a lasting impact. Practice them yourself in front of a mirror. Practice them on your spouse, on the kids, on the family pet.
We have soundclips from Jack Nicholson and Al Pacino.
You may remember them in A Few Good Men and Scar Face. These characters let you know who's the boss. You got that?.
Try to express the same passion and disdain as these guys do. John Baird is the master here. A tip of the hat here to you John! You may kiss my ring now!
And there are Dr. Phil soundclips with a more concilatory tone. Bev Oda, these were compiled with you in mind! Try to answer a question with a question, or to sound like you really care.
Dr. Phil does it best.
For rap/music lovers we have soundbites from singer/songwriter Beck.
For comedy lovers we have the comic stylings of Monthy Python.
The mad Frenchman in Monty Python and the Holy Grail has some of the best ripostes around for Question Period (or election campaign debates). Pierre Poilievre is another one of our prominent QP stand-ups speakers that we have in the house. Pierre - it is possible to be both annoying and funny at the same time, instead of just annoying.
Now that we have succeded in making QP totally irrelavent, let's try and make it entertaining too! Trust me, the suckers electorate will love it as much as they loved me singing A Little Help From My Friends.
And of course, we also feature one of the greatest actors of all time, a personal favorite of mine, and a Canadian too - Mike Meyers.
Who can forget him in his role as Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery? But did you know he also played other characters, including Dr. Evil and Senator Mike Duffy Fat Bastard?
It is against the rules of parliament to refer a member by name, or to call them a liar (even if it is true). That is contempt. It can get you get kicked out.
Those two points aside, pretty much anything else is allowed, as we have (snort) demonstrated (snort) time and time again (muh-ha-ha-ha).
It is sometimes necessary to improvise. For example: use the word honour, honoured or honourable instead of the more popular f-word variations used around here when talking about a member of the opposition. It sounds more parliamentarian. Just ask John Baird.
A simple expression, with the right inflection and timing, can let everybody know what you really mean.
To use the soundboard below simply click somewhere near the picture or prompt. The soundclips will play.
Use only in the appropriate context. For example whenever answering a Michael Ignatieff question in QP or when referring to anything about Ignatieff, including his eyebrows, family, or his campaign bus.
Have these answers ready in an emergency.
We all have those moments when the last thing you want to do is answer questions; those moments where you want to just walk away to a waiting limo, and leave those wretched reporters standing in the rain.
All of us have moments like that in our life.
Remember all you forgot learned about answering questions, accountability, and ethics.
Thank you one and all. Enjoy, and campaign hard.
You may now line up to kiss my ring.
awkward pause; then a few nervous laughs; then more laughter; until some are laughing so hard they may have wet their pants. The laughter subsides and gives way to a thunderous standing ovation. Curtain!
Hear John Baird do his Matt Foley impersonation...
